


What Is It To Live A Life?

by cestlavieminako



Series: First Kisses [5]
Category: Kamen Rider Kuuga
Genre: First Kisses, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:27:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24993838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cestlavieminako/pseuds/cestlavieminako
Summary: Ichijou finds himself asking just what he wants--or needs--out of life, and the answer keeps coming back to Godai Yusuke. And it suddenly feels as though his world has been shattered, when Godai succumbs to Number 26's poison.
Relationships: Godai Yuusuke/Ichijou Kaoru
Series: First Kisses [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803661
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	What Is It To Live A Life?

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place throughout the course of episodes 18-20. Since that is a super important time in the series, I didn't want to break this up into separate chapters.

It had surprised Ichijou, when Godai had once again brought up the subject of making him dinner. Honestly, Ichijou was surprised he’d remembered it, after the very intense liplock they’d shared the evening of his birthday. But Ichijou _had_ made it sound as though he wouldn’t be against the date in the future.

_Was_ it a date? 

Ichijou had no idea.

He’d been renting a small apartment while he was assigned in Tokyo, and it was fairly impersonal—he’d managed to luck out as far as furniture was concerned, at least; the previous tenant had left behind a bed, a slightly outdated loveseat, and a very small dining table for two (the second chair held his police scanner, and there was usually paperwork strewn across the table itself; he would need to put all of that somewhere else), but that was all Ichijou really needed. It was fairly empty, otherwise, and that included the refrigerator. And the kitchen. Did he have everything Godai would need?

Then his thoughts drifted to the apartment itself. He was fairly tidy as a rule, but how clean was the apartment itself? It had been three months now…surely there was dust on surfaces that weren’t frequently used. When had he last properly cleaned? Should he wash his sheets before Godai came over? 

His thoughts abruptly halted with that thought, and he felt his face heating up. The way things had been lately…he couldn’t deny that he felt something when Godai kissed him, but he was fairly clueless about love, romance, and any type of intimacy. 

If they were alone, with a bed in close proximity…would they wind up in it? Would they take this relationship of theirs, whatever it was, to that next level? Or was he presuming too much?

At least he had lubricant in the drawer of the bedside table, Ichijou thought, and his face felt even hotter. It had been an impulse purchase, simply because…well, he’d been curious. Thank god he’d not run into anyone he knew when he’d made the purchase. He’d bought a basket full of things he probably hadn’t needed, just to draw attention away from the small bottle.

But, well, he’d never really…experimented before. Not even as a teenager, when everyone around him had been bragging about who they’d kissed, who they’d touched, or anything else they’d done. He’d tuned it all out, since it was something he simply was not interested in. All he'd cared about back then was doing his best in school, making his parents proud, becoming a police officer. There simply had not been room for any thoughts of love, romance, or a family. He’d seen no need. He was fine on his own. Relationships seemed too messy, complicated, and downright unnecessary.

But then Godai Yusuke had come along, and he’d somehow warmed Ichijou’s heart, and wound up occupying his thoughts far more than he ever would have thought possible. 

Godai had to be far more experienced. How many others had fallen in love with that infectious smile, his endless optimism? Surely he’d never had a lack of partners. 

And perhaps Ichijou was getting too far ahead of himself. Perhaps Godai’s offer had simply been one of friendship, simply offering Ichijou a home-cooked meal and his company. There was a very good chance that it wouldn’t be anything beyond that. Perhaps a kiss goodnight when Godai left.

Ichijou wasn’t even sure what he wanted. When was the last time he’d asked himself what he wanted? What he _needed_? Even if he asked himself those very questions now, he didn’t think he’d have an answer. But when he thought about Godai, he felt warm. And maybe that wasn’t a proper answer, but it was a start.

**

When Ichijou had arrived on the scene and found Godai laying on the ground, gasping for breath, his lips already turning an alarming shade of blue, he’d fought to tamp down the panic that was rising in his chest.

He would be all right. He _had_ to be. Not because he was Kuuga, and the world needed him, but because he was Godai Yusuke, and _Ichijou_ needed him.

Godai’s hand clutched at Ichijou’s trenchcoat, and Ichijou could see the fear in his eyes as he drew Ichijou closer, his lips moving soundlessly as he struggled to say something.

“Don’t try to talk, Godai,” Ichijou said, thankful that his voice didn’t sound as shaky as he’d imagined it would. “An ambulance is on its way. Tsubaki’s standing by…he’ll be able to help you.”

Tsubaki _had_ to be able to help him. He was a doctor; surely he would know what to do!

Ichijou took Godai’s hand in his, squeezing it tightly, trying to will some of his own strength into the other man’s body, not letting go until the ambulance came screeching up and Godai was taken away.

_I’ll be waiting for you, Godai._

**

It had felt like a heavy strike to his solar plexus when Tsubaki called him, explained that he’d waited so long to call him because he’d partly been hoping for a miracle, and partly because he didn’t want to deliver this terrible news to Ichijou. “I know he was special to you,” Tsubaki had said, his voice hoarse. “I wish this was all just a bad dream.”

By the time Ichijou was able to hang up, he felt as though his entire body were numb.

Godai…

He was gone.

He wouldn’t see his smile again. Wouldn’t feel his lips on his again. Wouldn’t share those moments with him, in between cases, where something as small as a brushing of fingers would give him the strength to go on.

God…he had to tell Godai’s _sister_. Sawatari-san. Would he be able to deliver the news without breaking down? Surely that would seem odd; even if they’d been working together, it hadn’t been for long.

But in that brief time, Ichijou had come to realize that he loved…

A rapping on the window of his cruiser snapped him out of his thoughts, and Ichijou felt dried tears staining his cheeks.

Hopefully they would not be noticeable, he thought, as he opened the door and stepped out to speak with Sugita. 

It had always been easier for him to talk about work, rather than personal matters. Even though it felt as though his world had ended, Number 26 was still out there, and he was determined to bring it down so no one else had to experience loss like this.

But first…he had to deliver that awful news.

*

Ichijou never would have said he believed in miracles. Not until that moment, when Kuuga raced past him. It was absurd. It was impossible.

It was _Godai_ , and it seemed that whatever he wished suddenly became possible. Like now; even in Kuuga’s base form, he easily took down Number 26, and then turned to Ichijou, the armor vanishing as he smiled and gave him a thumbs-up.

And Ichijou struggled to not go to him, take him in his arms, tell him how damn _terrified_ he’d been, ever since Godai had been struck by the poison.

So he’d simply barked, “You’re late, Godai!” and watched Godai’s expression turn to one of confusion, and as Ichijou turned to leave, he gave him a thumbs-up over his shoulder.

God, the timing was awful. He wouldn’t be able to leave just yet. It was _morning_ , and he hadn’t slept in a full 24 hours, nor would he be likely to anytime soon. Reports would need to be filed…and he felt as though he needed to now apologize to Godai’s sister, and Sawatari-san, for delivering news of Godai’s death, and now here he was alive and breathing and walking beside him.

He’d thought it strange how they’d both believed so fiercely that Godai would be back. Ichijou had never heard such a thing before. In all the years that he’d had to deliver the news of a death to a family member or friend, no one had ever drawn themselves up and said, “no, I believe that he will be back.”

But that was what they’d both said, and that was certainly what had happened.

It took everything Ichijou had to stay professional, telling Godai that he’d be busy for at least a few hours, but then he would take Godai around to see his friends and family. He would need to see Tsubaki as well, and get another scan. 

Godai had simply nodded, still smiling, saying that he’d find something to occupy himself, and Ichijou found himself writing down the address to his tiny apartment. “I’ll most likely be there in a few hours, at least to change…if you want to meet me, I’ll bring you to Tsubaki so he can check you over. And you should see your loved ones. I had to deliver the news of…” He trailed off, not wanting to say _your death_. “I’m sure they’d all like to set eyes on you again.”

As hard as it was to walk away from him, Ichijou did, sliding into his cruiser and heading back to the station.

**

Surprisingly, it didn’t take as long as Ichijou had thought to take care of the reports, and it was a bit after 6am when he finally stumbled through the front door of his apartment.

He slid off his suit jacket and loosened his tie, sitting on the couch, wondering if Godai would be there soon. He should put some coffee on…

*

“Ichijou-san? You’re going to wind up with a sore neck if you sleep out here.”

Ichijou opened his eyes, fighting to blink away the dredges of sleep and to remember where he was and what was happening, and he found himself leaning awkwardly against the back of the couch, where he’d doubtlessly nodded off after he’d sat down…how long ago? 

“It’s 6:30. Sorry…I didn’t want to wake you, since you’d been working all night, but that didn’t look comfortable.”

“How did you get in?” Ichijou asked, running a hand over his face. Had he forgotten to lock his door because he’d been so exhausted?

“Ah…well…your window was open, so…”

“Godai, did you climb the building and sneak into my apartment?”

Godai at least had the decency to look embarrassed. “Well…I knocked, but you didn’t answer! And your car was outside, so I knew you were here. I just didn’t want to stand outside and risk the food spoiling.” When Ichijou stared at him blankly, he grinned. “For the curry. Remember? It’s not the best time of day for it, I know, so I bought stuff to make breakfast, too. I put everything away and you didn’t wake up! You _must_ be tired.”

Perhaps he was too tired to think straight, or perhaps it was the relief that coursed through him, seeing Godai perched on the edge of his secondhand couch. Ichijou wasn’t sure. But whatever it was, it made him reach out and brush his fingertips along Godai’s jaw, before he grabbed a handful of Godai’s flannel shirt and tugged him closer.

Their lips met, and a small sound echoed in Ichijou’s throat. He was there…Godai was really _there_ , his lips moving against Ichijou’s own, his hand moving to rest on Ichijou’s waist.

Nothing had ever been more clear to Ichijou than at that moment.

When they finally parted, Ichijou blurted, “I love you.”

Godai’s eyes widened, and for a moment, Ichijou panicked. Had he misread the situation? What if he’d just made a mess of things, what if Godai didn’t feel the same..?

A gentle smile crossed Godai’s lips. “I didn’t expect you to say it first.”

“Then…” 

Godai’s fingers trailed through Ichijou’s hair, and it was the most amazing thing he’d ever felt. “I love you too, Ichijou-san.”

Ichijou’s arms went around Godai, and he felt himself sagging against the other man’s form. Clearly he was more tired than he’d thought.

“Ichijou-san, you need to get some rest,” Godai murmured, helping Ichijou to his feet. “Here, point the way to your bedroom. We can talk later, ok?”

Ichijou made a sleepy sound of affirmation, pointing down the short hallway to the door on the right. “You can stay…if you want. Get some sleep.”

Godai wanted to protest; surely he’d slept plenty while he’d been dead. But at the same time…sleeping beside Ichijou-san, or even simply laying beside him, sounded like the most amazing idea he’d ever heard.

Once they were in the bedroom, Ichijou quickly shucked his clothing, and Godai figured that was proof enough of how tired he was. Surely he would never get _that_ close to naked with someone else in the room, Godai thought to himself, unable to keep his gaze from roaming over Ichijou’s body, clad only in a pair of boxer briefs, watching him climb into the bed, falling asleep the moment his head was resting on the pillow.

After a moment, Godai shrugged, stripping off his jeans, socks, and the flannel shirt, before he got comfortable beside Ichijou. He shifted in his sleep, moving closer, and Godai happily slid an arm around him, drawing him closer.

And apparently he _was_ still tired, he realized, drifting off just a few moments later.

*

It felt as though he’d just closed his eyes when Ichijou woke again, and he groaned softly. He hated all-nighters for just this reason. 

Unimportant subjects like work quickly left his mind when he realized that he was curled up close to Godai. Very close. And Godai was awake and smiling at him.

“Good morning, Ichijou-san.”

Those words brought Ichijou back to the early morning hours of Kuuga’s first proper fight, against Unidentified Lifeforms 1 and 3. When Ichijou had woken to the sun shining in his eyes, and his head leaning against Godai’s shoulder. He’d felt embarrassed about the situation, the closeness back then, to this man that he barely knew.

But now? Perhaps they didn’t know each other perfectly, but Ichijou knew all he needed to.

He closed the distance between them and met Godai’s lips. He felt Godai’s hand slide to the small of his back, pressing lightly against it, as if to draw him closer. Ichijou simply couldn’t help himself; he reached out, delving his fingers into Godai’s hair, tugging him closer in a gentle but firm manner.

Godai drew back, just a hair’s breadth, his lips brushing against Ichijou’s own as he spoke. “Ichijou-san…are you sure..?”

He’d never been more certain of anything in his entire life. “Yes,” he breathed.

Then Godai’s lips were on his again, and Ichijou felt himself being pressed gently onto his back, and a hand drifted lightly across his groin, causing him to buck and gasp.

Godai drew away, chuckling softly. “I guess you _are_ sure,” he murmured. “Ichijou-san…I don’t want to rush things with you, and I know there’s not enough time right now for us to do this properly. But I’d still like to make you feel good.”

Ichijou whimpered softly. “Yes…please, Godai.”

Godai’s hands moved to his hips, to the waistband of his underwear, and Ichijou shifted to help him peel them off, his shaky hands going to Godai’s waist, feeling him shift so he could tug the boxers off. As an afterthought, he tugged off his t-shirt, tossing it aside.

Ichijou’s eyes were drawn to the fading red marks on Godai’s chest, no doubt left behind by the defibrillator paddles, and he sucked in a sharp breath, unable to keep from running his fingers over the burns.

“They’ll probably be gone in a few more hours,” Godai murmured, catching one of Ichijou’s hands and kissing it. “It’s ok, Ichijou-san. I’m not going anywhere. I want to be here. Alive. With you.”

Ichijou felt tears prickling at his eyes, but Godai’s hand moved then, fingers running over along his length so slowly, that it was all Ichijou could do to not climax right then.

Godai shifted on top of him, and then his shaft was rubbing against Ichijou’s own, and a long, low moan left his lips. Just _that_ felt incredible!

Then Godai’s hand wrapped around their shafts as best it could, and he began to pump them both slowly. Ichijou pressed the back of his hand against his mouth, knowing there was absolutely no way he’d be able to keep quiet, not when it felt _this_ good!

Godai drew his hand away from his mouth, leaning in to kiss him gently. “I want to hear you, Ichijou-san,” he murmured, his hand gliding a bit faster along their lengths.

God, it felt so good, and hearing Godai’s soft pants of pleasure were threatening to send Ichijou over the edge much sooner than he wanted. “Godai…” he breathed, wanting to tell him to slow down a bit, or it would be over far too soon. “G-Godai..!”

Ichijou swore he came harder than any time he’d touched himself in the past.

His hand moved downward, brushing away Godai’s, and he wrapped his fingers around his length, continuing to pump him, wanting to see how he would look when he tumbled over the edge.

Somehow, it was even more beautiful than he’d imagined.

They wound up in a boneless tangle of limbs then, kissing one another slowly and leisurely for some time, before they finally parted, smiling softly as they regarded each other.

“Soon,” Godai murmured. “Sometime really soon, Ichijou-san. When we have plenty of time.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Ichijou replied, before leaning in for just one more kiss.

“If your shower’s big enough for both of us, we can hop in together,” Godai murmured, even though his eyes were lulling closed once again.

“Mmm.” Ichijou wanted to do the exact same thing, just close his eyes and bask in how _good_ he felt, but he made himself turn his head and look at his alarm clock, groaning in annoyance. It was nearly 8am already. “We’ve got to get going,” he sighed. 

“I’ll make us coffee, then jump in the shower. Less chance for us to wind up…distracted,” Godai said, making no effort to hide the fact that he was ogling Ichijou as the other man got out of the bed. “I can’t _wait_ for us to have time to be distracted.”

Ichijou felt his face flush in pleasure from Godai’s words, but he managed to stay on track and get into the shower. By the time he was emerging, Godai was coming into the room, grinning and kissing Ichijou, before letting him know that there was coffee and food waiting for him.

He hadn’t been in the bathroom for more than ten minutes, Ichijou thought, but Godai had made coffee for them both, and made what looked like flour tortillas filled with scrambled eggs and ham and rolled up like a burrito. Ichijou wolfed his down, enjoying each sip of coffee, feeling the caffeine sinking into his system and waking him up.

Godai was a wonder. He wouldn’t mind more mornings like this, full of delicious coffee, home-cooked meals, and plenty of slow kisses.

Ichijou had a day off coming up soon. If all went well…maybe that could be a reality. 

It wasn’t until much later, that Ichijou realized he’d put on the same clothing he’d been wearing. It wasn’t as though it were unusual for detectives to go home, nap for an hour or two on their couches, then come back. Hopefully if anyone noticed, they would take into account what time Ichijou had headed out that morning. 

At the same time, though, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

And every time Godai glanced over at him as they drove around that morning, Ichijou wanted to pinch himself, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

He was in love, and everything felt so perfect and new.

**

It had been unexpected, to say the least, when Number 26 had reappeared. It felt too soon after it had been defeated, and Ichijou felt a twinge of anxiety about Godai facing it again. 

But Godai had gone ahead, and defeated the odd clone before Ichijou had even arrived, and they’d both stared at the vaguely human-shaped puddle of goo it had melted into, wondering why it had acted so differently after Kuuga’s kick attack.

“Or maybe _I’m_ different,” Godai had mused. 

When Ichijou had glanced at him in concern, Godai had fixed the biggest, cheesiest smile possible on his face, and Ichijou couldn’t help but smile and laugh softly. “You’re an odd one.”

“Me? Odd?”

“Well…in a good way,” Ichijou had added, and they’d simply stood there, staring at one another for several moments. “You’re all right, though?”

Godai nodded. “Yup! Just a little tired…and kinda hungry.”

“Me too, but my day isn’t over yet,” Ichijou agreed with a sigh. “Do you…want to meet up later?”

“Of course. I have to make that curry for you,” Godai remind him with a smile.

Ichijou hesitated for a moment, then reached into an inner pocket of his suit jacket, removing a key from a ring, and held it out to Godai. “I don’t know if you have plans today, but…if you wanted to rest at my apartment, you’re more than welcome.”

A smile crossed Godai’s lips as he took the key and tucked it into the pocket of his jeans. “I’ll have dinner ready for when you get home.”

Ichijou ducked his head for a moment, his face feeling hot. This was so unlike him…and that would be something he very much was looking forward to.

A hot meal, Godai’s company…and they’d have the rest of the evening to possibly continue what they hadn’t had time for that morning.

Godai seemed to know what he was thinking, and he leaned in and murmured, “Anything you want, Ichijou-san. It’s up to you…if you just want company, or if you want more.” 

“I definitely want more,” Ichijou replied, leaning in to brush their lips together.

Godai drew back as he heard other officers regrouping and heading their way. “Then…I’ll see you tonight.”

With that, he got onto his motorcycle and headed off, and Ichijou knew he would have a hard time concentrating for the rest of the afternoon.

But, more than anything, he prayed that it would be quiet. No more Unidentified Lifeforms, no major crimes, nothing to keep him at the station late. 

Because he was already dreaming about going home in the evening, and spending time with the man he loved. And in this world, full of danger and frightening creatures, he would gladly take small moments of normalcy.


End file.
